Swish, swish, swish echoing from the baby monitor…clink,
clink, clink rattle from the dog collar as she runs around trying to find her
place for the night…patter, patter, patter or perhaps thud, thud clambering in
the halls from the much larger dog as she finds trouble before bed…click,
click, click the sound of my own fingers on this computer…these are the sounds
of my night, lulling me to sleep and yet tonight’s lullaby is clouded by the
doom of the night to come. This is just
the calm before the storm. Tonight, as many of the past nights this year I am
holding down the fort a lone. The
three-year old has a burning fever and the baby is teething at some point they
will both be up. I’m not sure if I’m
hoping they are up at the same time or praying that they aren’t. Either way I love sleep and I know tonight I
won’t be getting any. I just truly pray
there is no throwing up!
Even if they weren’t sick or teething children, the truth is
there would be no lullaby for me tonight.
My mind is racing and my body is tense.
I’m as a line in a movie about stealing something with some really well
known people (you know the one right?) I’m fine (freaked out, insecure,
neurotic and emotional). Although you
could probably replace the “I” with insane.
You see, for the last 2+ years I’ve been dealing with the fall out of a
church break up. They say some of the
worse stressors in life are losing your job, up there on the list is divorce: try
resigning from a church (it is like both)!
You see, no matter what the circumstances of this break up was, like any
good divorce lines get blurred. And in
the end many people get hurt. Like any
good divorce it takes a while to get back on your feet and truly “move
on.” For me the factors that continue to
play out aren’t because I wish it had ended differently or I want the job back,
the factors that continue to play out do so because I don’t want it to happen
again or to happen to others. You see
churches have patterns of cycling through clergy because they are pretty messed
up, like unwanted step children or infants who weren’t hugged enough. Churches all have their own issues and if we
as clergy can’t help them then we aren’t going to see any positive change to
the decline in our numbers. I just want
these cycles to stop. And yet they seem
to be just getting worse.
At the end of this break up – came the decision to stay on
at 40% time at one of the churches we served.
At the end of this came the decision to trust God that we weren’t meant
to leave all we had begun to accomplish there and go someplace new. At the end of this came the choice to rebuild
a house from the turn of the century and to spend all of our money believing
that we were following God’s will.
And so I sit tonight in the still silence of swish, clink,
swish, thud, swish, click, swish, swish trying with every part of me to trust
God. To do as I preach, to do as I teach
and to believe that we did not just make giant fools of ourselves by not
applying elsewhere; to trust that although there are people slandering our
names that the rumors fall on deaf or at least more consciences ears. And yet the cloud of doom hangs low and
wide. Soon we will not be owners of our
house in the city but instead an old farm house that is currently only 2/3
sided and is missing a window. Already
we are trying to subsist on less than twenty thousand a year with gas alone at
almost 4 dollars a gallon. Already we
are trying to raise a family and to meet the needs of our children without
daycare and while trying to juggle our job and rebuilding of a house. We are living on the brink of discouragement,
anger and shame. We are living with
guilt and worries. We are living on the
brink of failure and yet trying to live in the hope of our God.
A God who when we needed one window for our upstairs
bathroom brought us to Lowes to find an unmarked window in the right dimensions
on clearance for 34 dollars! Because God is good.
A God who has blessed us with family who can help with these
rebuilding so we don’t have to pay others and our resources can go to material.
A God who in the midst of our material hunt provided us with
a range fan and 2 faucets all brand new in boxes, never installed for 25
dollars.
A God who blessed us with a house to fall back into when we
needed a place to live.
A God who way back when, encouraged us to get a car with
good gas miles! Go Corollas!
Some, especially those who struggle with faith, might find
reasons for all the above and all other examples I could give. One might say that doesn’t really prove
God’s on your side. It doesn’t prove you
are doing the right thing – none of that.
And I could say you are right.
Those alone don’t really prove that God is on our side…but they do prove
that we are in God’s plan and on God’s side.
You see, to me, these all prove that we are doing something right.
The Bible isn’t like fairy tales were everything is happy or
ends happily ever after, instead it is about real and true encounters with the
Holy in our lives. My story – my gospel
if you will – would not be one without suspense, this being one of those
moments. And believe me, the suspense is
killing me, it is so thick I could carve it for Halloween. But it is just a moment. A moment that years from now will look like a
transition and I’m sure will be just part of the past. But until then, I must invite God into the
cloud, to calm the storm and provide me peace – in at least knowing that indeed
I’m following the Creator’s plan. And
that tomorrow my lullaby will be wrought with love and stability.
Written on 10/30 but not posted until now, sorry I’m crazy
busy.
